I would bang a really feminine shemale does that make me gay?

I don't know why but I masturbate a lot. I'm not the casanova type. Girls are not in to me, I'm not so ugly but I have some serious self-esteem problems. I remember the first day I masturbated to shemale at first I was disgusted by looking at it but then I got used to it. Now it's an unstoppable habit, don't get me wrong I do look at normal women , but sometimes I get bored. And at the same time I don't like watching when the shemale is top, I just watch the feminine bottom ones. Is this an act of desparation? boredom? curiousity? At the same time I don't know if I would bang a shemale or do in real life. In real life I had with normal women only. I don't know if I would have with a shemale. I definately would never be a bottom. I think a man who goes bottom is gay, no excuses. I never would go for a normal man like me. Sometimes I feel guilty when I watch the shemale . Is this a temporary phase or will I be like this forever?